The Missing Link of Lineage
Trading dreams for vocation
When I was in my twenties and dating through New York City, there was a first date question I never forgot to ask. I asked this question sometimes coyly, always intently, and opened up every gate within my spectrum of awareness to pick up on all the cues that might surround their answer. I really put a lot of weight on it. On the L train, in front of FAO Schwartz in the crisp winter air, sitting on a stained bench inside the adorable community garden-park across from my temporary residence, I’d ask:
“When you were growing up, did you actually believe you could be anything you wanted to be?”
If they said yes, we were undoubtedly cut from the same sturdy cloth. I could guess that in the depths of their inner space, there were hallway lights with hidden switches they’d already found. At the very least, I knew their spirit contained a mixture of hopefulness and grit.
Growing up I always knew that, with enough willpower, I could be anything I wanted to be. Although I think I may have been born with irrational self-confidence, it was also a belief reinforced by my family culture. My father, an immigrant, was the type of kool-aid-drinking new American to believe that we were lucky enough to be on the land of infinite possibilities, subsidized by its well-branded and not-yet-known-to-be-empty promises. The belief that I can be and do anything has been a core aspect of my self-identity for as long as I can remember, held together with the gratitude that I somehow survived the brutality of emergent adulthood by maintaining childlike optimism. Little did I know, though, that there are in fact asterisks to this belief that would create impossible barriers to entry for some of those “things” I may try to become. As it turns out, I will not allow myself to become just anything successfully.
In the last five years, I have tried many times to make up my role in society, inspired by the hyper-individualistic, manifest-it-yourself culture of modern times. I have felt strongly that the tradition of the career path is now being replaced by a self-awakening process in which we each discover a personal hodgepodge that’s still specific enough to match some personalized karmic responsibility we each came here with. I’ve believed that work should be mostly fun, yet spiritually and collectively transformational. In my own process of self-discovery, I have tried on many hats that only appeared as I fabricated them: I have been a modern feng shui consultant, a creativity coach, a spiritual sherpa for people recovering from Christian heartache, and a career coach for creatives who have recognized that the tech industry is spiraling into an immoral dystopia with disintegrating career stability.
While it’s been such a profound blessing to give myself the opportunity to experiment with my career, I’ve also run into a few themes that have been really difficult for me to overcome. For one, I am more judgmental of the evolving standards for professionalism than I am open-minded. Mostly, I feel the professional sphere has become littered with charlatans calling themselves entrepreneurs. Cosplaying as one of them, I’ve then struggled to stand behind my work when there are no previous experts (or elders) standing behind me. Call it lack of confidence, but for me I’ve been able to name it as a lack of lineage. As it turns out, I actually might crave a career.
You see, I’m the person walking across a stretch of burning coals, assembling a sense of personal strength while trying to grin through the resentment I still feel for those who simply paid a woman in Bali to give them a certificate instead. I’m the student washing the windows of the ashram instead of standing at the podium prematurely because I have some sort of attachment (call it reverence?) for unglamorous initiatory paths. I really can’t tell how much of it is simply a psyche with a deservingness complex versus a deep faith in the transformative aspect of enduring process. As an artist, I know directly through my lifelong experience that some gifts only come with time and repetition. As crabby as it may sound, I’ll admit that I don’t want to live in a world where people get to claim mastery without first being shaped and polished by rigorous, ongoing labor (and watchful elders).
Don’t be fooled, I’m totally aware that this is also a monumental block that works to prevent my success. It annoys the shit out of me to be so attached to the “hard road”, though more often than not I’d call it the dull one. If I’ve learned anything as a student of inner resistance, though, it’s that it tends to dig its heels even deeper into your worldview whenever you try to fight it. So here I am, publicly accepting this temporary fate of being the one who evolves at a snail’s pace. At least I love my callouses.
As I’ve stepped fully into the field of mediation, I haven’t found what I thought I might. Emerging as a real disappointment to my childhood fantasies, I actually haven’t discovered what some may call “a calling”. Instead, I found something to tumble my ego dry on high speed, something I might hate a little by 5pm on any given Thursday. Sure, I’ve found a sense of purpose because I’ve finally landed in the convergence point of what the world needs and what I have an unusually natural, high tolerance for (staying inside of conflict long enough to help it transform). But, if I’m being honest, I’m still soothing the parts of me that ache to spend the rest of my life, starting now, smoothing out clay. It has taken a heroic dose of honesty for me to accept that some paths may delight but not fulfill me. These days, I’m tying the edges of my dreams to something that more resembles deep sleep after a day of hard work than any of the more dazzling examples of success. I think I have stumbled upon a vocation.
When I am alone, I am perhaps most holy. Then eventually (and always sooner than I’d like), there is a pull in me that cracks through the slickness of my solitude, an ancient bronze bell above the empty plaza of my stretching days to slay the ongoing monotony. I think “what are the others doing?” I crave the sound of a laugh like it’s the familiar smell of fresh garlic simmering in cheap oil remembered most nostalgically from my childhood. I learn all over that even in the perfection of my solitude, I still yearn for the drama of another — to meet again the mystery of the third that’s created only in the presence of two. Without effort or even choice, that simple broth of what-I-deemed-most-holy always drains from the curated life I hoped to carve permanently, and I transform with little resistance from nun into pirate. By daybreak I am looking for a ship — any solid-enough, interesting-enough ship — to make a sudden grand appearance on, a new ocean to set sail into. I always find a relationship to hold intently. And when the brute force of the surrounding waters force our best and our worst to emerge (as they always do), I will cling onto the bow of what we’ve built and blister in the wind until eventually I am either kicked off of this ship for good or granted, with only the permission of time, the long-term responsibility of a co-captain.
Below are some ways to engage with my work:
Career Coaching
If you’re at a career crossroads, coaching can be a wonderful way to detangle your concerns and fears from the murmuring of your inner knowing. I bring an adaptive presence that will follow the current of your session’s unfolding, while also poking into your inner landscape intuitively with a gentle but firm curiosity. We will explore the nuances of your belief systems and various identities with precision and levity. More than career coaching, this is self-leadership mentorship. Prepare for many metaphors and giggles.
Book a discovery call
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Mediation + Conflict Guidance
There really is an unspeakable magic to having a third party inside the binary landscape of conflict. If you’re in a conflict that isn’t evolving, mediation is a wonderful resource for getting the energy flowing clear again. I offer conflict coaching as well, and am able to meet you in your persistent anger or stuckness so that you can move towards productive communication, resolution or forgiveness (even if it’s just within yourself).
Book a mediation discovery call
Book a conflict coaching session (40min)
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If you’ve been enjoying my work and want to pay-it-forward in a small way, here’s a link to buy me a coffee (I have discovered that it is impossible for me to maintain a humble coffee budget. Please help ;)
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Please feel free to respond via email or comment with any thoughts, questions or care. xoxo