Resting Friend Face
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an unassuming coffee shop confidante, a spontaneous spouse of the heart, a fleeting friend to most, though most of all, to those who need an avid listener. Somehow I’m always on the receiving end of a stranger spilling it all out.
There is an ordinary moment from my mid-twenties that I remember perfectly — I was studying for the GRE, getting ready to pursue a masters degree in landscape architecture, when the awareness hit me suddenly: I’m a people person. Reluctantly, I dropped the pursuit of any potential career choice that would likely prevent me from stewing in the murky deep-end with others. This is where I belong.
Despite preferring to be a bit of a loner, this is one of my favorite parts of myself, and lucky for me it chooses to animate my life when I’m not even trying. Through this gift of extroversion I’ve made many close friends (several of which have transformed into haters), even more acquaintances, and have happily put in the reps to mostly mature this part I jokingly call “the mayor”. Through all the highs and lows of having RFF (resting friend face) I have discovered an undying dignity in almost every aspect of humanity. There is innocence and there is goodness everywhere, to see it you just have to be willing to stay a little while longer than your productive impulses may want you to.
If you set aside any desire you may have simmering to win anything from another, I think you’ll find how easy it is to fall in love with everyone. Yes, everyone. There are a million or so moles I’ve vowed to never forget, and there are gaps in teeth that were so sweet they still haunt my dreams. There have been so many unsuspecting metaphorical pearls among the shards of broken glass that I’ve lost count of how many unexpected encounters I’ve made with timeless beauty. I know if I have a moment to think twice before I go on and die, I will be proud to revisit how much I loved the others.
While I’ve found loving to be easiest, I must admit: I just adore it when we fight. You see, the heat between us is only ever as real as it is felt by the flesh; it is only alive with its own name and pulse when it finally reaches the parts of the body that edge the outer world. Surely passion is felt in the eros of love-making, but there is something more to be discovered in the heat of an angry moment. I want to see your cheeks turn warm and pink; I want to sense my skin stand when your voice rumbles in like a sudden earthquake. I want to see you on the other side of ecstasy because I know there you are not hiding behind what is easy. We must allow the sparks between us to catch onto the embers of our previous mistrusts, set aflame to our uniquely mundane pleasantries. Give me wildness to give me peace, as I know we only ever learn to contain what we are first willing to release. That said, I will always implore you to meet me in the realness of any kind of heat.
The other day, my partner casually said to me from the driver’s seat “you’re only so experienced with conflict because you let everyone in”. It’s true — I don’t care to be choosy ‘til we can growl at each other with those back, sharp teeth. Show me who you are when that fixed, manicured suppleness is stripped. Will you stand proud of that primal part when it meets the light between us; will you hesitate or run away? You will not belong inside the inner rings of my community until I have heard the sigh that floats on by after we’ve spoken our minds with loud voices and have still decided “I’m not going anywhere”.
Mercy Me
I don’t know what I love more:
A good fight with big tears, loud voices and unspoken truths that get to take their first desperate breath
Or the emergence of unforeseen mercy, that wildflower found growing between a rock and a hard place
So I decided to make a new career out of both.
After months of extensive (obsessive) training and receiving a certification through Harvard Law, I am now offering services in transformative mediation and conflict guidance.
There is no fight worth losing our sight of humanity over. We see this over and over again in the plethora of wars we’re exposed to in this modern era: we are shown that when we get angry, we are justified in disregarding the other. We will not thrive, let alone survive, if we continue to allow all conflicts to spiral into dehumanizing chaos. Conflict is a culture we are clearly failing at. Through the experience of mediation, not only do we enter a space where the details of a conflict may reach resolution, we also learn how to transform the nature of conflict itself. It is an emergent, surprisingly beautiful process with regenerative consequences at the personal level as well as cultural level, simultaneously.
Are you spiraling inside of a fight?
Do you feel stuck in reaching resolution with someone?
Is there a tense and conflict-prone dynamic within your family system?
Are you afraid to speak the fiery truth to someone?
Do you love someone but think they’re a f- moron and you’re not sure you’ll ever forgive them, but you also want to?
I’d love to be let in and facilitate a process that is empowering, clarifying, honest, and deeply connective, even when there isn’t guarantee of an ongoing relationship between you and the other(s) involved.
To explore how transformative mediation could work for you, feel free to respond to this email, or check out more on my website: fionanodar.com/mediation