All around me, people break. There is a friend who gossips for relief There are lovers at dead, dark ends There are artists at their brink I wonder how many storms could collide in a day I boast to my therapist about my controlled awareness and then I spin out, again into those prickly outer shrubs of hate not of myself but of the world and its incessant breaking loud, even when it comes and goes unspoken the hatred, like sound-proof headphones I slip on to drown out the shattering, a buffer before the spinning out welcoming thrill for a mere moment until something I call God drops a dose of putrid medicine: recall I have been here before, hating a world that doesn’t care about my preferences I have been here before, drowning in thick and dense sensations I have been here before, in an emotional coma and unable to remember that I have choices: it is up to me if I sink or swim (no one will throw me a buoy out here) to sink is to reset the game new careers, new homes, new lovers, new towns bangs or no bangs I will trade in opportunity for loss and certainly something will transform from form into dust there will be alchemy, but there will also be a cost final words, foreclosure, a setting fire run towards a valid fantasy but if I swim, I must rely on kinetic energy with foolish hopefulness I must sustain a reverence for this mess I’m in and will my way into something so peaceful it is already written as ordinary in a bouquet of undesirable options for a stubbornly alive woman this has become my favorite choice: to crawl into the eye of the storm to let every thought, fear and feeling hit the windows of my fragility to say yes to cracks, dents and potentially irreparable damage, no going back to watch with bated breath when I have no clue what could happen next because really, what happens when I don’t externalize every storm? now that I’ve spent half a decade perfecting “embodiment” what happens when I realize I don’t care to be fully expressed, fully formed if it means an unfolding destiny as a master of one on an inhabitable island? after the stillness I will swim out onto your shore, see the horizon from your humble, rocky spot burn the flag of that inner religion that told me I need to be reborn a thousand times to really live I will do this so I can see another face age with sunspots and wrinkles so we can build something unseen with my new lung capacity and your unscathed optimism you will preserve all your idiosyncrasies and I will reserve my persistent rage against them because I know now I don’t want to call home of any place where we don’t both belong in peace.
Are you spiraling inside of a fight?
Do you feel stuck in reaching resolution with someone?
Is there a tense and conflict-prone dynamic within your family system?
Are you afraid to speak the fiery truth to someone?
Do you love someone but think they’re a f- moron and you’re not sure you’ll ever forgive them, but you also want to?
I’d love to be let in and facilitate a process that is empowering, clarifying, honest, and deeply connective, even when there isn’t guarantee of an ongoing relationship between you and the other(s) involved.
To explore how transformative mediation could work for you or a loved one experiencing a persistent and disruptive conflict in their lives, feel free to respond to this email,
or check out more on my website: fionanodar.com/mediation